I love ranting. I love reading rants. Call me a pessimist, but there's something that warms the heart of my bottom when I read somebody's essay on every reason why American football is a money-wasting practice in futility. Negative criticism is just fun to read as well as informative- if you're a filmmaker and read rants about films, you'll know exactly what not to film.

There is an art to ranting, believe it or not. I've read good rants; I've read bad rants. So how does one rant properly, you ask? Well, allow me to adjust my monocle and pour some drinks, because I'll give you my own two cents on proper ranting.

First of all, you have to have some decent writing skillz. People don't want to read "My Firt Rant by Billy Age 7".

Next, you need a sense of humor to lighten the tone. Use things like similes and metaphors in your ranting. For example, let's do a quick rant on American Football again:

"Watching American Football is like watching a bunch of gorillas wrapped in bubblewrap body-slam each other, only the gorillas are each getting paid more money today than you make in a year."

See? You giggled. Because I mentioned gorillas.

Most importantly, you have to have reason in your ranting! It's not enough to say that Britney Spears is a terrible mother; give examples! WHY is she a terrible mother? WHY is Jack Thompson full of shit? WHY is Halo 3 overrated? If you say you hate something but don't give reason for it, you end up looking like a jackass.

That brings up another point- There are three kinds of negative critical writings: Whining, Ranting, and Flaming. I'll just explain each one, followed by an example about the same subject. Let make the subject... automatic hand dryers! Seems simple.

Now, let's break 'em down like Chinatown!

Whining is when you focus too much on your own problems when complaining about something. Whiners are selfish, childish, and all around annoying. For the master of whinery, look for "Chris Crocker" on YouTube.

Example: Why do I have to use these hand dryers? Hand dryers suck! My hands are all cold and wet now, and I have to wipe my hands on my pants and get my pants all wet! And I have to wait in line too! I shouldn't have to wait in line! I'd rather hold it in!

See how self-centered that was? The author focused too much on themselves and not at the reader or the subject. The problem with whiners is that they have no problems. You think your life is over because you lost your favorite necklace? You're living in a suburban neighborhood with rich parents and more televisions than you can count on one hand! Wait until your cat dies or your house burns down; then we'll talk.

Flaming is just plain obnoxious. Flamers will simply say that something sucks and leave it at that, normally with bile and strife in their wake. The best place to find such hellfire is Encyclopedia Dramatica, a wiki so thick with flamers it makes my brain vomit inside my very skull.

Example: HAND DRYERS FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!!! WHOEVER INVENTED HAND DRYERS CAN LICK THE SHIT OUT OF MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK THEY FUCKING SUCK THEY FUCKING SUCK THEY FUCKING SUCK THEY FUCKING SUCK

Yeah, let's stop right there. Note the use of all-CAPS dialogue, the overabundance of childish swear words, the empty threats and lack of reason. Do you remember those obnoxious eighth graders back in middle school, the ones that acted all tough and macho because they said "Fuck" with every alternate word, but are really just social failures with possible mental problems? Well, that's basically the flamer. They hate everything with a literally boiling passion.

Finally, there's Ranting! Ah, sweet, sweet ranting. A good rant focuses on the subject at hand; addresses the reader; it takes something that the reader dislikes and tells them exactly why they don't like it. Heck, the reader might not realize they didn't like it until you tell them! Here's the example on our infamous hand dryer:

Men have always found themselves superior to women, not because we're bigger and stronger and can open stubborn pickle jars, but because we can pee faster than them. No lines at our bathroom, no sir! But it seems that women have taken their revenge on us by slowing us down by inventing the automatic hand dryer. Hand dryers are machines designed to use a stream of hot air to dry hands, although from the way these damn things keep on malfunctioning you could probably get the same results by letting an asthmatic breathe on your wet hands. But hey, at least we get a small amount of comfort out of writing "Press Button to Receive Bacon" on them in Sharpie.

There, you see? Wit, satire, truth, anger, pop culture references- by your powers combined, I am Captain Rant!

So, to review: Focus on the subject and the reader, give reason, be witty, and above all, have fun being angry!

And there you have it! My personal two cents on what goes into a good rant. So, care for dessert?